DVD Outtakes

You know when you buy a DVD and sometimes there are extra features with scenes that didn't make the film? Well, in my zest for writing my The Sh!t No One Tells You book it turns out I zested a liiiiittle too much (like 100 pages too much) and therefore have some DVD outtakes to share with you over the coming months.

It was hard deciding which chapters to cut from the book and in the end the decision-making was really quite random. But these outtakes will give you a taste of what the book will be like and will surely leave you wanting to purchase mass quantities of the for sale content.

Just like the book most of these chapters will include a comic and some other extra content for your viewing pleasure (reading is hard, so I like to include pictures to ease the pain).

Also like the book many of my chapters will include insights from the women I refer to as my Moms on the Front Lines. These are a group of moms who shared their opinions and experiences as I tackled different topics. Their contribution is really great, because they prove my overall point that no matter who you are or what your particular situation is in life parenting is ridiculously hard. I'm not sure if this is comforting or frightening, but we'll go with the former and stand by it.

Enjoy!

The Sh!t No One Tells You - Introduction Chapter

 

The Sh!t No One Tells You by yours truly will be out in June, but is available for mass pre-ordering now. Go here to order one for every person you know, it's the right thing to do. 

What's this little book about, you ask? Here is the introduction from the book, I say.

At some point during the first few weeks with their new bundle of joy, every parent will most likely utter/scream/sigh/cry out into the night, "I had no idea it was going to be this hard!" This is because a vast conspiracy exists to hide the truth from all whom have yet to bring home a baby, for fear that if the truth were to get out people would (1) stop having babies, or (2) stop bringing them home. I am here to end that silence. And replace it with a lot of bitching.

Before I had a baby I would see those Johnson & Johnson commercials where a mom is gleefully giving her perfect and beautiful smiling baby a bath in the sink. Splashing and giggles ensue. The tagline for the commercial is “Having a baby changes everything.” I used to well up with emotion when I watched that commercial, knowing that when I had a baby she would change everything too. And by “changes everything” I thought they meant “changes the things you clean in the sink.” Turns out by “everything,” they actually mean “everything, as in your entire life, we are not joking.”

Now that I have a child, I believe their point would have been better conveyed if the baby were screaming at the top of his lungs in the sink while a mom with alarmingly dark circles under her eyes stared off into the distance blankly, unaware that the water from the sink was being emptied onto her the floor by her splash-happy child. I get welled up with emotion just thinking of that scenario.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my child deeper than I ever thought I had the capacity to, but it’s not all giggles and playful splashing. I actually think the most difficult part of new parenting is the conflicting emotions you feel, and your fear of even acknowledging those different emotions, let alone sharing them. I planned and prayed for my baby for years before she arrived. When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic. Holding her for the first time was unreal. But then we got her home and the day-to-day realities of caring for a newborn started to sink in. This is when I started thinking, I had no idea it was going to be this hard.

I felt guilty that I wasn’t loving every second and that I didn’t look or feel anything like I thought an ecstatic new mother should. Of course, I had expected it to be hard, but somehow not this hard. I blame my lack of information on my friends who had children before me. When I told them I was pregnant all I heard was, “Congrats!” and “Yippee!!” Never did any of them say, “Hold on to your f’n hat. Shit’s about to get real.” Sure, it would have been the first time any of them had ever said, “Shit’s about to get real,” but I feel like it would have been the perfect time to christen the phrase.

Instead, I went blindly into parenthood, with no idea of what was coming my way. It was months before I really talked to anyone about how overwhelmed I was. Up until that point I was a little ashamed that I would essentially be complaining about having the healthy baby I had dreamt of for so many years. But when I finally started talking to other moms they all agreed without hesitation that having a new baby is ridiculously hard. They would then instantly start bombarding me with tales of their own struggles. This gave me comfort, but mostly it pissed me off. “How come you didn’t warn me about any of this??!!!”

So that is what I’ve set out to do with this book. Warn you about all the shit no one is telling you. My intention is not to frighten you or to scare you off having children. My hope is to give you what I didn’t have: the ability to say, “I am not the only parent in the history of the planet to have their asses handed to them by something they could fit in a purse.” Knowing you are not alone actually helps a little. Trust me, misery does love company, especially during 3 a.m. feeding sessions.

To add to your company, I’ve enlisted the help of a few of my mom friends to share their stories as well. I call them my Moms on the Front Lines because they are reporting live from the battlefields of parenting. They’ve built up heavy armor over the years and gotten quick at dodging land mines. They have come here to share with you their inspiring tales of survival. (None of them have teenagers, however, so I can make no long-term guarantees for their well-being.)

Not long ago a series of web videos made the rounds giving encouragement to gay youth that "It Gets Better." The Sh!t No One Tells You, with its honest advice and stories from the front lines, is an "It Gets Better" book for new parents. As you navigate your way through the challenging first year with a new baby, we will be here to encourage you (and bitch with you, of course).

So as you navigate through your first year of sleepless nights and poop-filled days, carry this book with you often (preferably keeping it a safe distance away from the poop, if at all possible). I’ve purposely made very little effort to organize the chapters of this book. Jump around from chapter to chapter, depending on what you happen to be dealing with on any given day. And with your impending memory loss (see Chapter 25, “Remember Your Memory?” for more info on this subject), you’ll be able to read the book seven or eight times before actually realizing you’re finished! So many good times ahead for you.

So let’s head out on this parenting adventure together, shall we? There will be ups, downs, tears, and vomit. And that’s just the childbirth. Because, as I warned you before, shit’s about to get real . . .

Hello Internets!

I haven't blogged in awhile, but I'm back in the saddle and ready to grace the world wide web with some of my words. After being confined by Twitter's character limit I am very excited to spread my wings in an unlimited fashion here on the blog.

I know you can hardly wait.

Stay tuned...